Conan the Barbarian: Blood-soaked allegory for Hollywood culture?

Conan, oh Conan, how misrepresented you are in the eye of the common man. Rather than the canny savage king with a cruel streak, you're often instantly associated with Ah-nuld's dopey and somewhat fuddly-cuddly performance. Though not a terrible movie by any stretch, a more apt title would have been something like "Ah-nuld: The Journey to the Land of California".

We open with Conan as a child, being told by his father that the only thing he can rely on in the entire world is steel. The next day Conan's entire village is massacred by the forces of a wizard with a snake-fetish who then sells the boy into slavery. While slaving about, he grows physically until one day he gos from child star with no future to Arnold-goddamn-Schwarzenegger. Arnie then proceeds to work as a gladiator, getting some education on the way. When his master lets him go (For reasons even the narrator finds vague) he proceeds to romp about the country-side, befriending some Asian dude with a bow and a reckless blonde. Oh and banging a demon-wench...who can see into the future!
A little ways later, Conan discovers that the wizard who slew everyone he held dear has turned his snake-fetish into a religion and is not only converting hordes of people, but sacrificing them to giant snakes. This does not sit well with our barbarian hero, and he sets out to avenge himself at long last.

Conan's childhood. Bad times all around.

"Conan the Barbarian" fits into the same category of film that all those early Indiana Jones movies are deeply entrenched within. It's a perfectly serviceable slice of Hollywood action-adventure that unfortunately, doesn't have much going for it on any level other than the surface. I think once you're past a certain age (Or have seen hundreds upon hundreds of sodding movies) films like Conan just don't rightly entertain as much as it obviously purports to.

The film does have things going for it. The opening sequence, the aforementioned massacre, is quite the spectacle. Almost operatic in how over the top it is. James Earl Jones is also fantastic (If ill-costumed) as Conan's nemesis, and Max Von Sydow has a great cameo. They're also some nice shots peppered throughout the film.
Unfortunately, apart from those two actors, the rest of the cast is pretty flat. Either playing straight up caricatures (Mako) or about as personable as bricks of butter (Ah-nuld and co.), the film really struggles to make you care about these characters. The writing isn't terrible per se, but one gets the impression that the best parts were likely ripped straight from Bob Howard's works and the rest were pieced together in between. I myself have yet to read anything he wrote...criminal I know...but that was my honest impression.
Mako also narrates about 90% of the goddamn movie in a fashion that is so grating on the nerves it detracts from the narrative flow. Especially since in the scenes where he does narrate, the imagery were shown is pretty much telling us exactly what he's blathering on about.

Remember kids. This fellow was GOVERNOR.

Now, there was something that hit me as being supremely strange about Conan this time through. Prior to this I'd only seen it in bits and pieces over the years, barring my initial viewing at the age of nine. Back when I was blind to sub-text or the hallowed art of finding sub-text where none was really intended.
Conan struck me as being less about Conan and more about Hollywood and possibly the entrance of Schwarzenegger upon American movie-making soil. About halfway through the film, our heroes are given a quest. A king offers them riches beyond their wildest dreams in return for tracking down his daughter who's run off to join Jones' snake cult. When Conan finally crashes the party, it turns out that these cultists spend their days seemingly oblivious to the real world or engaging in really sketch orgies.

Sound familiar at all? I couldn't help thinking of the typical story trope (Often found in tales of lurid crime) where a bright young gal runs off to Hollywood to become a star, only to be exploited or get involved with exotic drugs and scary parties that involve wild animals for fornicatin' with. The father hires a private detective and implores that he and his cohorts track her down. Although, it could simply be that I was so bored with the film that I remaking it into something marginally more interesting in my head. However, combined with the Californian brand of sleaziness the film seems to purvey and the fact that Olive Stone co-wrote the screenplay, I wouldn't be surprised if it really was attempting to represent the darker annals of Hollywood culture as a swords and sorcery epic.

Oh, and to John Milius, the director. Pro-tip dude, don't use normal household dogs to represent feral beasts and barbarian attack dogs. Rottweilers in a time after the fall of Atlantis? Real immersion breaker dude.
 If you're a ten year-old boy and you haven't seen this, you'll adore it. Otherwise, you might want to be drunk while watching. It would definitely enhance your viewing experience in this case.

In fact, you might be better off watching this rather than the actual movie:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBGOQ7SsJrw

Personally, I find it better.

Thees ees my band. We are called "THE DESTROYUHS"!