Disclaimer: Despite the title, I don't necessarily disdain schlocky entertainment. Hell, as I think I've mentioned already (Maybe not?) I think "Con-Air" is a masterpiece of sorts and I really enjoyed the hell outta "The Expendables". However, "Vampires" is thoroughly mediocre. It managed to re-awaken a very particular hunger within me. A hunger for something actually GOOD...preferably pre-1960's.
James Woods stars as Jack Crow, the trash-talking leader of a gang of vampire-slaying biker-dudes who work for the Vatican. After a successful vampire-massacre they manage to run afoul of a vampire "master" who's more than a little peeved that his home was wrecked by a bunch of faux Hell's Angels. He returns the favor leaving only Jack and his buddy Montoya (Played by one of the "other" Baldwins) alive and hungry for vengeance. Vampire-ized hooker in tow (Coz she's got a psychic connection to the master, ya dig?) they set out on their Southern-fried quest to kick vampire ass.
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| They really REALLY wanna kill some goons. |
This movie is trashy. It feels less a John Carpenter film and more like something Robert Rodriguez would cook up. Sure the typical Carpenter "Working class schlub faces down the forces of evil and MAYBE triumphs!" ethos is going on, but it lacks the usual incisive commentary or creepy atmosphere the best Carpenter films sport. It also seemingly attempts to give a grittier take on the tired concept of the vampire, but only really succeeds in feeling even more rote. Of course, it was made in the Nineties, but even with that in mind it STILL feels like something that had been done to death by then.
Of positive note though, the camera-work is really nice. They're some great shots and the editing's fairly solid. In the acting department, James Woods is fun if solely because every one of his sentences is pretty much "Fuck that" or "Motherfuck this" or even better "Fucking fucking motherfucking fuck fuckity FUCK YOU VAMPIRE!" Daniel Baldwin pretty much does the same, but isn't quite as good at being a dick as Woods is. On the bad side of the cast, positioned atop the throne for things awry with this film is Thomas Ian Griffith as Valek, the aforementioned master vampire. Though his character being unbearably cornball was no doubt aided by the make-up and whoever instructed the actors playing vampires on how to act "Vampire-ish".
It also doesn't help the film that it's uber-powerful villain looks like a taller and less meat-faced Tommy Wiseau. Sheryl Lee of "Twin Peaks" fame stars as well as the vampire prostitute, but she spends about 90% of the film being punched, called a bitch, and staring at the camera super intense-like when receiving psychic visions from Wisea-urm, Valek.
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| Oh hi Mark. |
All in all, "Vampires" is entertaining but almost not worth the hour and forty-eight minutes it takes to run. If you're looking for a silly action/horror fix with some chuckle-worthy gore and vaguely laughable performances, then you may be satisfied. Otherwise, stick with Carpenter's earlier works. If you're a vampire movie aficionado and want something modern, well, you could do worse. Much much worse....
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| Like THIS much worse.... |
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