Drive Angry: Nick Cage loses his temper with mixed results.

Now, I love me some Nick Cage. He's called a hack and people tend to sneer at the mere mention of his name, but boy is he fun to watch. I mean come on, "Con-Air"? "The Rock"? "Adaptation"? Those are all bloody classics! So needless to say, from the moment I saw the trailer for "Drive Angry", I was very much excited for what seemed an insane Cage-fest.
Unfortunately the end result is pretty meh.

"Drive Angry"'s hero is Milton (Subtle, no?), an ex-con who escapes from the depths of Hell in order to avenge his daughter against the Satanic cult that sacrificed her and rescue her baby daughter from the very same cult. Standing in his was is a Hell-sent being known as "The Accountant" (Played by William Fichtner, who for reasons beyond me, tilts his head every five seconds in every scene he's in) and Jonah King, the maniacal long-nailed femur-bone-cane wielding leader of the cult. Along the way he picks up a rowdy Southern gal named Piper who stays along for the gore-spattered ride.

We can only hope that Cage pulled this very same gun on his agent moments after the film premiered.

Now, this movie falls into that unfortunate category that many "exploitation" films of the past half-decade seem to curl up in. It desperately wishes it was made in the Seventies, but only manages to ape the style and mood of such films. Whereas exploitation films from that era, no matter how bad, had some sort of point to make (Or to horribly misconstrue, thus resulting in hilarity), "Drive Angry" really has nothing going for it in that department. It simply hooks into the over-the-top aspect of these films and delivers only that. Hell, for a movie called "Drive Angry" there weren't even many car-combat scenes.

Nicholas Cage, rather than over-act a storm, plays Milton stone-faced and rather blandly. Whether he be lazily dodging thrown cutting implements or dropping one-liners in monotone, his expression is perpetually near-blank. The fellow who plays Jonah King (Imma not even going to bother looking up his name) has to be seen "acting" to be believed. I'm not even sure what the writers intended with the character and he seems like he may have been much improved if someone like Jemaine Clement played him rather than the dude they picked. Then he would have at least seemed genuinely quirky! He's like a David Lynch character who was tossed into a washing machine with some bad Vertigo comic books. Here and there are some amusing cameos as well, but they only served to make me wish I was watching something else these guys had starred in, if anything.

Please let this guy never star in anything again.

The film's action doesn't even really deliver, and this film being all about the action, it pretty much can't hold itself up. Now, I despise 3D, I really don't see anything beneficial about it. It doesn't make me feel any more immersed in a film, in fact it detracts. Unfortunately, "Drive Angry" was built specifically as a 3D vehicle and it shows. It shows in the horribly CG'ed blood, in the pointless zoom-ins on bullets and badly rendered backgrounds when the actors swerve about in their cars. I was really hoping the 3D wouldn't be a big deterrent, but in the end, it did mar my experience.

Once again going back to the "Je ne sais quoi" of low-budget films from Cinema history's past, "Drive Angry" lacks something that "Hobo with a Shotgun" and to a lesser extent "Machete" had in spades. Rebellious anger, a lot of heart, and a point to make. Sure, "Machete" was far too long and fell apart about half-way through, but damn was it ever better than "Drive". If anything "Drive Angry" feels more derivative of recent Rodriguez efforts than the road-carnage films of the Seventies. It's almost as though Lussier (The Director, I can't be bothered to look up his full or proper name) learned second-hand through Rodriguez and Tarantino about B-movie cinema and simply copied their styles, thinking it would give "Drive" a genuine feel. Boy does it ever not.

In the end, I did finish the film. I can't say I wasn't entertained enough to warrant sitting through it until the end, but in a way I almost regret bothering with it. Even as a one-off "Lets watch something shitty tonight!" kinda movie, it's lamentable. In the realm of bad movies that are so bad you're left with a movie-hangover that causes you a massive headache for an hour or so, "Drive Angry" is the equivalent to the kind of hangover that leaves your brain feeling sodomized. Watch at your own peril.

Then again, you may consider this movie a magnum opus if you're a Hell's Angel with J.D. running through your veins rather than blood. Otherwise, you'd best steer clear.